LOS ANGELES — In a stunning exposé that will surely be taught in journalism schools for generations to come, former child actor Corey Feldman has courageously emerged from the trenches to describe the "most toxic" workplace environment he experienced during his grueling 14-day stint on ABC's Dancing with the Stars—a harrowing ordeal that he endured for exactly two episodes before being eliminated for performing a cha-cha to Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back."
The 54-year-old actor, whose entire childhood was spent navigating the notoriously wholesome and drama-free environment of 1980s Hollywood—an era so pristine and innocent it later became the subject of multiple FBI investigations, documentaries, and Congressional hearings—told radio listeners that he had "never seen anything like" the behind-the-scenes culture at the dance competition show.
"I've never seen anything like it. It's the worst, like, most toxic," declared Feldman, a man who spent his formative years in an industry that was definitely not later revealed to be a catastrophic nightmare hellscape of exploitation and abuse. When reached for comment, the 1980s declined to respond, citing ongoing therapy.
According to sources close to the situation, the toxicity Feldman experienced was so severe that it existed in a quantum state previously unknown to modern physics. The workplace was simultaneously both "great" with "everybody getting along" on set, while also representing the "most toxic" environment in the history of human civilization.
"On the set everybody gets along. Everybody's great. Everybody's happy," Feldman explained, before adding without apparent irony, "But the behind-the-scenes drama and BS that people throw around that show, I've never seen anything like it."
When pressed to explain how drama could exist "behind the scenes" while everyone was getting along "on the set"—which are, by traditional definitions of both phrases, the exact same physical location—Feldman's publicist abruptly ended the interview, citing a previous engagement that definitely existed.
"You're working hard. You don't even have time to look up. You're just working," Feldman said of the on-set experience, suggesting the toxicity may have been occurring in an alternate dimension visible only to those eliminated in week two.
The controversy centers on Feldman's cha-cha performance to "Baby Got Back," a routine that sources describe as having "destroyed the entire show." Industry insiders report that ABC executives held an emergency meeting to discuss how a single mediocre performance by a week-two elimination could bring down a franchise in its 34th season.
"Corey Feldman destroyed the show. He destroyed the whole show because he was such an egomaniac it's so difficult to work with," Feldman said, quoting criticism he claimed to have read, before explaining this was all false. The statement has been submitted to the Library of Congress as a perfect example of the self-fulfilling prophecy.
The drama intensified when Maksim Chmerkovskiy—brother-in-law to Feldman's professional partner Jenna Johnson, who is married to Maksim's brother Valentin Chmerkovskiy—allegedly told the Daily Mail that Johnson was having a "really difficult" time with her celebrity partner. This created a family tree of drama so labyrinthine that genealogists have petitioned to have it recognized as its own separate branch of evolutionary biology.
When confronted about Maksim's comments, Feldman claims Johnson rolled her eyes and said, "Oh it's just Max. Don't pay attention to him. He just wants attention"—a statement Feldman then repeated in a nationally broadcast radio interview to demonstrate his commitment to not paying attention to attention-seekers by seeking attention for their attention-seeking.
"I was like, 'Oh my God,'" Feldman recalled of learning that someone connected to a reality television program might seek media attention, his shock apparently genuine despite having been famous since 1984.
In a statement released with the speed and precision of a man who just remembered he works in Hollywood, Feldman clarified that he "want[s] to make it absolutely clear that my experience on Dancing with the Stars has been positive," and that "everyone associated with the show...has treated me with nothing but kindness, support and respect."
The statement went on to explain that by "toxic," "worst," and "most toxic thing I've ever seen," he actually meant "wonderful," "grateful," and "looking forward to getting back to rehearsals"—even though he is no longer on the show, having been eliminated in week two for dancing the cha-cha to "Baby Got Back."
"They relate to outside commentary, rumors and individuals who are no longer directly involved with DWTS," the statement continued, a category that now includes Feldman himself, who is also no longer directly involved with DWTS, having been eliminated in week two for—and this cannot be stressed enough—dancing the cha-cha to "Baby Got Back."
Feldman defended his work ethic, noting that he rehearsed "seven days a week" for three whole weeks, a grueling schedule that medical professionals estimate may have resulted in nearly 150 total hours of dancing—or roughly the equivalent of one slow month at an actual job.
"I was there 7 days a week for the past 3 weeks, doing everything in my power to give U my best, even if the judges couldn't see it," Feldman wrote in an Instagram comment, his use of "U" instead of "you" suggesting the trauma may have affected his ability to type complete words.
Despite this extraordinary commitment—which would be considered "normal full-time employment" in virtually any other industry—judges somehow failed to adequately appreciate his interpretation of lyrics about large posteriors. Legal experts are divided on whether this constitutes a human rights violation.
Johnson, for her part, posted an Instagram tribute describing their "incredible weeks" together and thanking Feldman for "the giggles everyday in rehearsal." Feldman responded by apologizing for "any negativity the media is using to give the false narrative that our time together was anything less than enjoyable."
The fact that Feldman himself was the primary media source for that narrative approximately 24 hours earlier has been described by philosophers as "the ouroboros of public relations"—a snake eating its own tail while simultaneously denying it ever had a tail to begin with.
At press time, Feldman announced he is "looking forward to getting back to rehearsals this week" despite no longer being on the show, suggesting the two-week ordeal may have had more serious cognitive effects than initially reported. ABC has yet to explain how someone eliminated in week two can attend future rehearsals, leading some to theorize this is the "behind-the-scenes" dimension Feldman was referring to all along.
ABC declined to comment, likely because they were too busy trying to calculate the insurance premiums on a television franchise allegedly destroyed by one (1) cha-cha performance to a 1992 hip-hop novelty song.
Additional reporting contributed by quantum physicists, genealogists, and survivors of other two-week employment periods.